The Hidden Cost of Being “Good With People” (When You’re Actually an Introvert)

People are often surprised when I tell them I'm an introvert.

After all, I speak in front of audiences, facilitate workshops, support people through difficult experiences, and can carry on a conversation just fine.

But being good with people is a skill.

Being energized by people? That's wiring.

In this episode, I explore the hidden cost that often exists behind competence, confidence, and connection. We dive into the differences between introversion and extroversion, the neuroscience behind how our brains process social interaction, and why some people leave a room feeling energized while others need a few hours (or a few days) to recover.

Along the way, I share personal stories from my work, volunteering, and life experiences, including lessons I've learned about boundaries, energy management, and recognizing when my own battery is running low.

This isn't an episode about introverts versus extroverts.

It's about understanding ourselves better, understanding each other better, and learning how to create connection without unintentionally draining one another in the process.

In This Episode:

• The difference between being socially skilled and being socially energized 
• Why introversion isn't the same thing as being shy 
• The neuroscience behind introversion and extroversion 
• The invisible cost that often exists behind competence 
• Why social interaction can feel draining even when it's meaningful 
• The importance of recognizing your own limits and energy needs 
• How introverts and extroverts can better understand and support one another 
• Why connection doesn't need to be long to be meaningful 

Resources Mentioned:

Free tools and resources:

• Bounce Back Blueprint 
• Mindfulness Tools 
• Self-Care Resources 
• Stress-Management Strategies 

🎁 Visit: https://transformativejourneys.ca/ 

☕ Support the podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/transformativejourneys 
 
Threads of Life - If you or someone you know has been impacted by a workplace injury, occupational disease, or workplace fatality, please visit: https://www.threadsoflife.ca/ 

🎶 Music: “Back Roads” by Will Harrison, via Epidemic Sound.

🛑 Disclaimer: Johanna is not a therapist, just a human sharing lived experience.

✨ “I'm just Johanna – a fellow human being on my journey through this thing called life, and your guide on this transformative journey.”

Transcript

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So… people are very often surprised – or even shocked – when I say that I am a deeply introverted person.

They see me interact with people quite comfortably… speak in front of large groups of people… facilitate workshops… listen attentively while I’m supporting people through hard things… and smile welcomingly or give them my full attention when people come up to me to vent or tell me their problems.

They think they are seeing an extrovert. Someone who is comfortable with, gains energy from, and feels recharged when around other people. 

Because I can hold a conversation.

I can stand on a stage in front of a microphone – and hundreds of people.

I can connect with people.

But being good with people is a skill. And one I’ve worked hard to build.

Being energized by people? That is wiring.

And they are definitely not the same thing.

Just because I’m good with people – and don’t take this wrong if you happen to know me personally – doesn’t mean that they don’t exhaust me sometimes.

Because some of us who appear social in social situations – actually aren’t extroverted.

We have just learned how to override our true character during social interactions.

And neither introversion nor extroversion is a bad way to be.

I think we just need to learn to be a bit more sensitive to what might be happening on the other side of the conversation – and the invisible cost some interactions carry for other people.

Because what energizes one person… may be completely depleting for another.

So today I thought I’d talk about it.

So let’s dig into that.

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Life's messy. Growth is uncomfortable. And healing rarely follows the plan.

Welcome to Transformative Journeys, where growth meets grit, healing gets honest, and resilience becomes a practice.

Around here we use storytelling… neuroscience… and a lot of self-compassion to make sense of the human experience – and grow through what we go through.

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Welcome back to Transformative Journeys with Johanna! I’m your host Johanna – and just because I love a good tie-in…

This episode was conceived on that three-and-a-half-hour drive home from doing a volunteer presentation for Threads of Life a few weeks ago - when I also brainstormed the last episode on dealing with high-load seasons.

Because… part of my exhaustion during that few-week stretch was due to all of the social interaction I needed to do – not just for my presentations… but I have a day-job where I have to ‘people’ too. And all of that ‘peopling’ was sapping my energy wayyyy more than all of the driving.

So here’s the thing…

I think part of the reason why people are often confused – or surprised – when I say I’m an introvert… is because I’m not shy. And people often confuse introversion with being shy… being awkward with people… or not liking being around people.

Sometimes introverted people are shy – but not all of us are.

And the version of me most people see now, is kind of an edited version. I wouldn’t go so far as saying it’s a “curated” version… and it’s definitely not a front or a fake version I present in public… but it’s definitely a practiced version. 

Part of that is because I’m 60 years old, with 45 years of experience interacting and working along-side people, and learning to show up capable, engaged and present.

And part of it is because many of the signs of introversion aren’t actually noticeable to anyone who doesn’t know you well – and often not even recognised by the people who do.

We’ve also often gotten very good at not being recognised – whether that’s because our jobs require us to be outwardly amiable… because our families are very sociable… or because we need to appear outgoing to fit in with our friend-circle.

I’ve always leaned heavily toward the introverted end of the scale.

I was the kid who spent probably 75% of her free time in a book. I wasn’t really shy... I don’t recall ever being socially anxious… 

I played outside with the neighbouring kids… rode my bike… watched a bit of TV… played with Barbies… 

But I spent a lot of time with my nose inside books. The librarian at my elementary school teased me that I’d read just about every book in our very well-stocked library by the time I was in grade 4 – some of them several times. 

Even as a teenager… with homework, roller skating, volunteering at the YMCA every Saturday to help pay for my membership, and of course, talking with my friends about who the cutest boys were taking up a lot of my free time, I still read a ton. There was almost always a novel in my purse or bag, and if we were driving anywhere… waiting anywhere,,, at the arena while my brother was at hockey practice or playing a game (and there was a frigging boatload of that)… visiting where there were no kids my age (which was most of the time because most of my parent’s friends had kids much younger than me)… you’d find me in a corner reading.

And I loved being alone. Just as much as I loved being with my friends.

If you’d known me as a young adult, you’d probably have pegged me as more of an extrovert. I wasn’t a huge partier because I had kids very young, but I’d sometimes go out to the bars with my friend (or friends – I had more than one friend… honest lol) or to get togethers… parties… and everyone thought I was a “social butterfly”. They saw me as being a pretty sociable person - laughing, having fun, and engaging easily with people – and thought “Johanna is so outgoing! She’s so much fun to be around!” 

What they didn’t see – and what I didn’t understand back then – was why it took me so long to recover after. Not, as in, recovering from an alcohol hangover (although truth – that happened sometimes too)… not because of the staying up late and getting up early (gawd… to have that much energy these days…)… but because I needed days and days alone, just me and my kids, afterward to feel recharged again.

Alone time has never been a problem for me. In fact, it’s the opposite. I’m content and happy with my nobody but my own company most of the time.

And I promise this is going somewhere other than Johanna’s life story, so stick with me.

And let’s back up a bit to talk a little introversion and extroversion 101.

There’s actually a decent amount of neuroscience behind this – it’s not just a personality quirk… it’s actually wiring.

So the word "introvert" comes from the Latin words intro- (meaning "inward" or "to the inside") and vertere (meaning "to turn"). Literally, it means "turning inward".

And the word "extrovert" comes from the Latin words extro- (meaning "outward" or "outside") and vertere – I think that’s how it’s pronounced… (meaning "to turn"). So it means "to turn outward".

First of all, they aren’t binary. You aren’t 100% one or the other. 

And I think it’s a bit like a sliding scale or spectrum – that can move a little depending on things like the environment you’re in and the people you’re with, what’s going on in your life at any given time, and even how many turns around the sun you’ve done.

At one end of the scale we have the introverts, who don’t really get energized by social interactions – in fact quite the opposite. There’s actually research showing that introverts process more stimulation at once… which explains why we hit that overload point faster.

They tend to enjoy a lot of alone time – and need it to recover their energy after social engagement… they prefer to work independently and process things best when they’re on their own… they can be somewhat reserved… and are often keen observers and good listeners. When they socialize, they often prefer to do it in small groups or one-on-one.

Extroverts, on the other end of the spectrum, enjoy working in groups and feel energized in those situations… There’s neuroscience around this too, connected to dopamine and reward systems - where some people feel energized by interaction… and others don’t.

Extroverts are usually seen as very outgoing and sociable… they tend to make friends easily and enjoy being at the centre of lots of social interaction – and are often the ones organizing events to get people together… they might be more inclined to talk lots – and listen less… and for them – too much alone time is uncomfortable and draining.

And most of us are either somewhere in between along the sliding scale – or even in two different places along it depending where we are. Maybe at work you’re fine with leading people and meetings – but at home all you really want to do is be alone.

One of the biggest impacts on us wherever we are on the scale is how our brain processes stimulation and energy.

A more extroverted person walks into a room full of people and feels more energized…

A more introverted person needs to pause before they walk into that room… and take a deep breath to prepare themselves for interaction… while their brain goes…

“We’re going to need a nap after this.” LOL.

It’s not necessarily that an introvert doesn’t like being around people – it’s that we hit our threshold for emotional and cognitive capacity when we’re around people a little faster.

So it isn’t that as introverts we can’t do it. I do it all the time – at work… when I’m volunteering… with my family…

I show up and am fully with people.

I connect with, hold space for, and sometimes support people.

I participate in – and facilitate – conversations.

And it matters to me to be fully present while I’m doing those things – and to do them well.

But there is a difference between doing something well – and doing it without a cost.

And I think an important part of this is recognizing that there is a cost. Not just an introvert recognising the cost and what they can do to prepare for, and recover from, exhausting interactions…

But for people who are more naturally extroverted to understand what’s happening behind the scenes so they don’t misinterpret the disengagement they may perceive as an introvert’s capacity starts to wane. 

Even if you think you know someone who is pretty introverted really well… the expense might not be visible. 

Maybe you’ll notice the mental fatigue (do you know how many times I’ve heard, “Are you feeling ok? You seem a little cranky today.”…)? 

If you’re perceptive you might even notice the emotional depletion (the other one I hear is, “You seem a little “short” today. Are you tired?”).

But people don’t see what’s physiologically going on inside due to overstimulation… or how much quiet time it takes for an introvert to recover afterward.

We hide those things so we don’t appear incapable. The crash usually doesn’t happen in front of others. It happens behind closed doors when we finally get quiet.

And this isn’t just about me, and the kinds of things that I need to bring out that version of me for.

It happens in a lot of spaces.

Think about the authors, who are often such good writers because they spend so much time alone in their own heads… out on book tours, interacting with strangers – smiling and chatting at their book signings.

Speakers on stages everywhere who may or may not be comfortable behind a microphone or speaking to people afterward – but do it because they are passionate about what they are talking about.

The workshop facilitators who are enthusiastic about sharing something – who require lots of prep time before, and lots of mental or emotional recovery time after.

Teachers who teach because they love kids or because they are passionate about the importance of education – but who quietly spend the evening recovering from a day where everyone else assumes that, - because they are smiling, engaging, and maybe even entertaining – they naturally thrive in.

And really, anyone in a role where they hold space for others.

There’s the role that we prepare for before…

And then there’s what happens after it’s over for the day or the event.

Because that's really what this episode is about. The invisible cost that often exists behind competence.

In my situation, people are seeing a practiced version of me I trained – not the version who has learned why and how I need rest. 

The version who enjoys the long drives to and from presentations because:

The drive there gives me time to quietly build up my energy reserves before I get on stage or engage with a group when I’m facilitating a workshop – I call it my “inhale” before an event.

And the drive home gives me quiet time to decompress any emotions that my presentation may have elicited… but also to replenish the energy that gets depleted by both my nervousness about speaking in front of people and the individual or group interactions afterward. I call the drive home my “exhale time”.

In my case, those interactions aren’t just social. Sometimes they are emotional too.

Sometimes it’s small talk and talking about Threads of Life.

But very often, they are small moments with emotional weight.

People coming to me and:

     · Sharing their own experience or connection to someone impacted by a workplace tragedy or loss.

     · Someone who wants to express gratitude that Threads of Life exists – or to the speakers who share their very personal stories to promote the importance of workplace safety.

     · People with questions – about Threads of Life… about what I do with them… about my son… 

     · And sometimes people sharing their own very vulnerable story of loss or recovery.

While I am there with them, I am there with them. Holding space for them in real time.

So that time alone afterward isn’t just “self-care” time – it’s time I spend absorbing and processing those emotions… feeling my gratitude for having the opportunity to do what I do… and refilling my cup. And sometimes it takes a day or two for that cup to come back to full capacity.

And here’s something I want to be really, really clear about.

I don’t hate those interactions – not even a little. 

For me they matter – and they are healing.

Even while they are draining my battery – they are filling my heart.

And on a cognitive level, they also:

     · Reduce imposter syndrome – yes… I experience imposter syndrome in my volunteer work too. Not just here on my podcast.

     · They reinforce purpose – something I need in storage for times like those high-load seasons I talked about in the last episode… when I’m questioning whether the exhaustion is worth it.

     · And they remind me of why I do what I do – especially on days like around the anniversary of my son’s death… or near his birthday, when I’m more emotional, and doing presentations can be really hard. Because both of those times of year happen to coincide with times of year when requests for presentations increase.

Either way, just because something is meaningful to you – doesn’t mean that it doesn’t kick the shit out of you. 

Because you can feel good about the interactions… and still have to do the work to recover from them.

I actually have something really important to add here.

Like REALLY important.

If you’ve ever… walked up to a speaker to talk to them… stood in line to meet an author or get them to sign your copy of their book… wanted to stop someone to tell them their work matters… 

Please don’t stop doing that.

And I’m serious here.

For most of us doing out-facing work – whether it’s for a paycheck or as a volunteer…

Those moments matter more than you might realize.

Just remember in those moments that, while you might be bringing one moment…

They might be holding many.

So that 2-minute conversation…

That 30-second “Thank you so much – I enjoyed that”…

That story that you want to share – and they do want to hear…

Might be the 20th… 30th… 50th… one they’ve held that day.

So pay close attention to the context - and the cues of the person you’re approaching.

Yes, most of us want that connection. But connection doesn’t need to be long to be meaningful.

And I want to turn the conversation around a little now…

Because this isn’t about extroverts draining us poor little introverts…

Or an introvert whining about the cost of doing something I love.

It’s about how we interact with each other – and support each other – because I see every interaction as an energy exchange. And that’s a good thing in my opinion.

We all have unique personalities. There might be general-ish types of personalities – but all of us are unique and individual. And we should be happy about that!

Can you imagine a world where everyone’s personalities were the same?! UGH!

A hundred, million Johanna’s lol…

Anyways..

So, if you are more introverted like me…

We need to remember something too.

It’s not fair to expect others to read and manage our energy. Especially if you haven’t even learned how to recognize and communicate it yourself.

I’ve had to learn this the hard way – and we’re going to get into how that works… next.

I'm going to pause for just a second here before we get into the part where I lovingly call out both introverts and extroverts 😄

If you're listening to this and thinking,

"Wow... I might be running a little low on battery lately..."

I've created a bunch of free tools and resources that might help.

Things like the Bounce Back Blueprint, mindfulness tools, self-care resources, stress-management strategies, and a few other things designed for real people who are navigating real life.

No toxic positivity.

No "good vibes only."

No inspirational quote telling you to rise and grind.

Just practical tools that can help make hard seasons a little easier to carry.

They're all linked in the show notes.

And if you'd ever like to support the podcast, there's also a Buy Me a Coffee link there too.

No pressure.

Seriously. The fact that you're here listening means more to me than you probably realize.

Alright...

Let's get back into it.

~~~~

When I first started attending Threads of Life Family Forums – which are like a weekend support conference for families coping with the outcomes of workplace injuries, fatalities, and occupational illnesses – I signed up for everything… breakfast til bedtime. 

Communal breakfast… workshops all day… (great ones, on everything from healthy coping strategies while you’re grieving, to what to expect during Ministry investigations and coroners inquests, to specific groups for moms… men… siblings… but still interaction)… communal lunch in between… communal dinner… evening social activities…

All of it. 

And in spite of everything positive about it – it took me a week or more to, I guess you’d call it, ‘recover’.

For some people, that is the perfect support weekend. Community… learning… support… social interaction…

Me? I had to learn to say no.

Not to the event.

And not to everything. 

I now know what I need there to fill my cup – and what I need to do to ensure that it doesn’t get emptied just as much.

Communal breakfast – ok. I can do that, and since it’s the one meal that many people don’t attend (or some attend early, and some – like me – squeak in during the last ten minutes to scarf some bacon and eggs before the day starts… I’m not a morning person LOL)… breakfast is perfect for me. Sit down at an almost empty table… nobody really expects a lot of conversation first thing in the morning… Perfect.

Workshops – absolutely. Attending – and sometimes facilitating – them.

Lunches and dinners – obligatory, and as a long-time family member, one of my assumed roles is actually to seek out new family members and just sort of touch base with them to make sure they’re doing ok… and offer a bit of support if they are struggling (which, in spite of many new family members’ reservations – maybe I’ll tell you a story about mine someday - about attending their first Family Forum in the first place – happens less often than you’d think because by lunch or dinner time on Saturday, most are glad they came).

But once dinner is over, I now know it’s time for me to retire to my room… go for a walk… find a quiet place outside to sit by myself… I rarely socialize after the regular day’s events are over now.

Because something important that introverts need to understand and take ownership of is that…

Sometimes the exhaustion isn’t just from the interactions… it’s from the fact that we didn’t leave when we needed to. 

Sometimes… (ask me how I know) we’ve actually blown right past the point where our low-battery sensor started flashing… and then go, “Holy shit… what happened?” when we find ourselves curled up in a fetal position hugging Ben & Jerry because it’s not just the battery that’s empty… the alternator is fried too.

That my friends?

That’s on us.

On the other side of the coin… if you are someone who does feel energized by being around people… that’s great – for you. 

You’re sure as hell not doing anything wrong LOL.

But you may not realize or understand that not everyone experiences interaction and engagement the same way as you do.

And just because the person you’re interacting with is still smiling and paying attention to what you’re saying… doesn’t mean that they’re okay.

There’s always an energy exchange when people are engaging – and yours might be filling up…

But someone you’re with might be quietly running out of it.

We need to meet in the middle.

Those of us who are introverted? 

It’s our responsibility to pay attention to our limits. And know them in advance if possible.

Have a few polite exit lines in our back pocket, like, “I’m going to head out soon” or “I’ve pretty much peopled-out for the day, so I’m going to get going”.

It’s on us to plan for and build in recovery time wherever we can.

And it’s up to us to give ourselves permission to know when to step away. And to do it.

For all you extroverts out there?

You know… Maybe pay a little bit of attention to who you’re talking to. Do they seem equally engaged in the conversation…? Or are they getting quieter and quieter…?

Start watching for cues that the person you’re interacting with might be running out of juice. Shorter responses… subtle withdrawal from the conversation… less eye-to-eye contact…

You can maybe even – especially if you know them well - check in with them. Because here’s something not many people are gonna say to your face – except Johanna… Sometimes we have totally checked out emotionally and mentally… but we’re too polite to step away from the conversation. Especially if it’s a one-on-one conversation.

And most of all – don’t take early exits by people personally. 

As the saying goes, “It’s not about you… It’s about me.”

I think that in the end, what I’m trying to say here… 

Isn’t that introverts need to become more extroverted.

Or that extroverts need to become more introverted.

And definitely not that we all need to be responsible for carrying the all the weight in every interaction we have with another person.

Just that the world we inhabit day-to-day can be improved when we start to realize – and pay attention to the fact – that we all move through it differently.

What fills one person’s cup… well, it might empty someone else’s.

And being just a little bit more cognizant of that… can help us do a better job of making sure everyone gets a chance to refill their cup.

So, now I’m going to leave you with a few things to think about – or journal – this week. 

Be kind and compassionate, and ask yourself:

     · When is the last time I noticed that I left an interaction… energized?... neutral?... completely depleted?... Can you think of what contributed to that feeling?

     · Try making two lists (or muse about them separately): “Things that fill my cup.” - and “Things that drain my cup”. Are you surprised by anything on either list?

     · Think about someone in your life who seems very different from you socially. How might they experience social interaction differently than you do? And what assumptions might you be making about their energy needs?

This week we kind of talked about introverts and extroverts… but really, more importantly about why some of us walk away from interactions feeling filled up… and some of us walk away needing to go home and refill.

Neither is wrong or right – just different. 

But I think that considering how engaging with others impacts us – and other people - is an important conversation.

Because when we start paying attention to those differences – without judging them – we stop accidentally draining each other… when what we really want to do is just to connect.

As we wrap up, I want to leave you with this. 

Introversion isn’t about not liking people or being shy or awkward in social situations. They might be the people you least expect to see on a stage or interacting in very public ways.

And extroversion isn’t just about being the wild-child, life of the party - or the dynamic leader who is good at taking charge in a crisis. They might actually love being in social situations, but aren’t necessarily the most chatty person in the room. 

It’s really about how our brains are wired, and the way we process engaging with the world.

Each have different ways they need to recharge their batteries – but both do need to recharge.

We sometimes make assumptions about people based on what think we see when we meet them – so I think the most important thing I’d love to see you take away today is…

Being good with people does NOT mean being energized by people.

And being energized by being around people, doesn’t mean you’re good with people either. 

So maybe…? Hmm… let’s just try to be good people.

Thank you for being here with me today.

Come say hi on Instagram @transformativejourneys.johanna or visit my website and say hi there!

Did you know I do an enhanced version of this podcast on YouTube? I’m not ready to go live on video for this yet (but I’ll get there – yup - one of my goals for this year) – but in the meantime I’m creating this for you. With on-screen prompts, beautiful visuals, and a more immersive experience. Head over to my YouTube channel Transformative Journeys.

Got an idea that you’d like to hear me talk about? Leave me a message and you might see it in a future episode.

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Until next time, this is Johanna, reminding you… that it doesn’t matter if you fall. What matters is how well you bounce.

This… is Transformative Journeys.

See you next time!

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End note: Just a disclaimer! This podcast is for entertainment and informational purposes only and should not replace the advice of a medical or mental health expert. I am not a licensed counsellor or therapist - just a human with a mic and a story of growth and resilience. No degree… no fancy letters after my name... I’m a full-time student at the School of Hard Knocks, University of Life where I figure I will graduate when I take my last breath. In other words, I’m just Johanna - a fellow human being on my journey through this thing called life, and your concierge on this transformative journey.